Foreign affairs

After a short conversation with a friend last night, "foreign" is the only way I can express how I'm feeling right now. After 26 years, my mom has been basically wheel-chair bound because of a cardiac arrest she had on this date when I was 4. That, along with several different bouts of cancer and other things, her life (and so mine and my dad's) has been quite the roller coaster. Yesterday I learned that the cars of this ride are nearing the station. Let me back up. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, my mom has been dealing with a large mass that is intruding into her colon and bladder, leading to a colonoscopy, the need for diapers, and a round of 25 sessions of radiation. In the past, radiation has helped reduce, if not completely eradicate the masses. This time, however, a cat scan showed that the mass had only reduced in size about 5%. So talk had started about chemo and possibly surgery, though surgery for my mom is highly risky due to her long-standing heart problems. Along with this mass we were dealing with blood clots, and she was put on a blood thinner. Because her body does not tolerate meds well sometimes, she was tested regularly to ensure the dosage of the thinner was correct, and it had been stable for some weeks. Unfortuntely, this past Saturday her meds decided to work a little too well, and she began to bleed internally from the cancerous mass, causing two seizures which sent her to the ICU. Surgery to stop the bleeding was out of the question, so she was pumped full of vitamin K and some other things to effectively thicken her blood. She received another transfusion and remained in ICU. My dad signed the first DNR ever. Another cat scan revealed that the bleeding was causing the mass to grow, and that it is becoming too out of control to deal with. She was moved from ICU yesterday, but the prospects are dim. Her doctor has cancelled her upcoming appointments, suggested we start looking into hospice care. Her pathologist has estimated her mortality rate at one to six months, so our focus has gone from "fixing" her to just keeping her comfortable and getting our affairs in order. Talk was had yesterday about funeral homes. Home hospice care is being set up. Sigh. My relationship with my mom has never been good. And beside that, I think we all expected my dad to outlive her. But we expected her heart to take her life, not cancer. *just found out that she is going home today* Everyone has tried all my life to convince me that I really do care about her. I resent her for how my life was affected by her (and yes, before anyone jumps on me, I know this is irrational because it's not her fault.), and have never been able to let that go. I do not think I will miss her, per se, but of course I cannot say until it happens. The situation will be stressful, of course, but my dad and I have agreed that it will be a relief, too. We've been asked, "What can I do? What do you need?" And really, we have no answers. Right now, there's not much we can do, or anything we need that would make it easier. My dad's response was: "Nothing right now. But soon I will need you to hold my hand." And I think he was right.